If you want to be happy for the rest of your life...

What may be utterly trivial to one person may be the ultimate source of happiness for another. But one thing that is common among everyone is the desire to be happy. Where do you look for your bliss? Are you at peace? More importantly, is happiness meant to be simply a for-the-moment thing or one that can last a lifetime -- and beyond? Here, musings and pieces of advice that are meant to encourage the optimistic, the jaded, the broken, the weary, and everyone in between. "Hindi lahat ng nagpapasaya sa atin, tama. Pero lahat ng tama, masakit man sa simula, pasasayahin din tayo sa bandang huli." (Not everything that makes us happy is the right thing. But that which is right, however much it hurts at first, will us happy in the end.) The woman who uttered those lines was tearfully but resolutely bidding a loved one goodbye, having chosen to end their illicit relationship (he was married) for good and to live free from the burden of guilt (the scene is also from a 2007 movie whose writer, Vanessa Valdez, won an award for Best Screenplay). 

Though taken straight from a fictional work of art, such lines are hardly fiction when it comes to reflecting the reality that happiness and doing what's right are closely intertwined. 

Appending the ‘kung saan ka maligaya’ mantra

Now who doesn't want to be happy? Whether it's in family, friendships, professional/occupational pursuits, hobbies or whatever aspect of one's life, nobody makes decisions based on a goal to be miserable. It's the desire to be happy in some way that often guides the choices being made. In the same way, relationships such as the one dramatized in the movie mentioned above start out with one thing in mind: the hope to find happiness. Does this mean, then, that the dictum to guide all choices ought to be the oft-given advice, “Gawin mo kung ano’ng makapagpapaligaya sa ‘yo” (Do whatever will make you happy)? 

Based on the answer of one who is, shall we say, in the business of guiding people on the path toward lasting happiness, it is going outside of oneself that makes all the difference in the pursuit and attainment of true happiness. 

“I remember a quote from St. John Bosco which summarizes my thoughts on this matter. He said ‘Run, jump, shout and do whatever you like as long as you do not sin.’ I would then add something to the dictum you mentioned to make it complete: ‘Gawin mo kung ano ang makapagpapaligaya sa iyo basta huwag kang lalabag sa utos ng Diyos at huwag kang mananakit ng iyong kapwa.’ It does not matter what you want as long as you are happy and contented with your life without offending God and anybody else,” says Rev. Fr. Eugene David, who has under his care the parishioners of the Holy Family Parish in San Isidro, Makati City, and who likewise takes charge of providing guidance to youth groups. 

Fr. Eugene has likewise counseled individuals for nearly a decade now and knows that happiness may seem quite elusive to many. While what is essential to one’s contentment may be insignificant to another’s, the priest points out that not a few despair over their misfortunes (whether real or perceived) despite taking care to always do good. In other words, the question “Why do bad things happen to good people?” is more than alluded to in counseling sessions.

Happiness not equal to a problem-free life
“The most difficult question I always encounter is when people start to justify their good deeds and piety corresponding to God’s reward for their obedience. People tend to lose faith and question God’s ways when things don’t happen the way they imagined them,” he relates. Some examples that may sound familiar: “Bakit ako nagkasakit at minalas sa buhay, nagpapakabuti naman ako?” and “Kung sino pa ang corrupt at makasalanan siya pa’ng yumayaman at pinagpapala pero kami na naging tapat at mabuti ay hindi umaasenso.” 

“I would always console and tell them that they are not alone, then I invite them to trust and wait a little more because God might answer them in His own time for He always has a good plan for everything. Sometimes we cannot understand how God works in our life; thus, we trust Him because in His own time God will reveal everything to us – that all things in this world will fit together as part of His grand plan, which is always the best for us," is the priest's reassurance, adding that it is essentially a matter of faith and patience especially when our own plans do not correspond to God.

To anybody who feels that fulfillment is out of reach, Fr. Eugene admits that he does not have all the answers, but he does know that God wants no one to suffer and that He truly longs for our happiness and what’s best for us. “God is not a sadist God and our Christian faith doesn’t glorify suffering, but we have to understand the reality that our earthly life is not perfect. It involves a lot of problems, suffering, sickness and, finally, death. [This is why] God does not want us to focus much on our worldly life; instead He wants us to look beyond this world toward the vision of the afterlife, where there are no more suffering, sickness and death because we will then return to God, the source of our life and joy.” 

While that may be challenging to digest in one go, it does run parallel to what a specialist in another field works to do for people who approach her with hopes of becoming happier — but in another respect. 

You could say that Dr. Gail Dacudao, a dermatologist, also tries to guide her patients in remembering that while some forms of happiness may be superficial, the goal to aim for goes deeper than that. Real beauty, after all, is not skin-deep. 

Physical ideals

It has been said that the kind of advertising in a country reflects the people's values. If this were true, then the Philippines' city dwellers - -well, Metro Manila at least – seem to find their happiness in physical appearance – in other words, in achieving culturally determined physical ideals. 

Advertising notwithstanding, dermatologists can attest to the fact that many patients who have been walking through their doors in recent years aspire to attain one thing in general: skin that is closer to being perfect according to standards being heavily marketed. 

"Yes, a lot of women today are very concerned about the physical appearance of their skin because of their awareness that the market is flooded with so many anti-aging creams, whitening creams and so on," says Dr. Dacudao of Violet’s Skin Care and Salon in Las Pinas.

"As for people with good skin, chances are they were blessed with good genes. Yet it's also a sure bet that whether they are age 20, 30, 40 or beyond, they are good to their skin. They cleanse it and nourish it, use adequate sun protection which is very important, eat the right food and exercise, and take lots of water and sleep."

Well, is there anything wrong with wanting to look better? No, unless the desire to look better overtakes all efforts to cultivate other, deeper aspects of beauty (as well as overall health) and when the person's self-esteem and peace of mind become anchored significantly on looks. Dr. Dacudao acknowledges that while a lot of women may fall into this mindset, she does her part in helping them see the bigger picture. 

Boosting a healthy self-image
"The aesthetic value of the skin is most important for many people and I use that to my advantage in guiding people toward better overall health. The skin is a powerful, very honest reflection both of the health of the skin itself and how well it is treated, and of the person's physical and mental health."  While the doctor points out that the skin ages along with the person over the years, looking younger is a result of a "program" she provides for her patients to follow.

"A key factor in this little miracle is that they not only learn excellent skin care, but they start to take control of their lives. After all, if a woman comes in with a deep frown on her face, erasing the furrow with Botox isn't going to eradicate whatever problems caused the negative facial expression in the first place. So the problem may as well come back," she says. "For this reason, I teach my patients to work on themselves spiritually and physically, so that they don't need Botox treatments because I don't really recommend it. The skin has the ability to rejuvenate itself." 

While some women do get a temporary thrill from achieving porcelain-like skin or are simply overjoyed upon erasing years from their overall appearance, what ultimately matters is the attitude with which one holds her self-worth. After all, with a strong and healthy self-image, it’s pretty hard for the sight of crows’ feet and frown lines on one’s face to shake this self-confidence (save for a momentary feeling of doubt now and then probably). 

At the same time, Dr. Dacudao does impart some facts that women are bound to appreciate! For example, did you know that wrinkles are not an inevitable part of the natural aging process? They are signs of distress that can be reversed, according to the dermatologist. 

“Wrinkles can be minimized by getting rid of extreme expressions. The goal here is to help the person to have more natural expressions that are more in tune with the message she is trying to convey. And over time as the skin cells slough off and are replaced by new ones, she will actually have fewer frown lines and laugh lines,” she explains.

Talk about motivations to avoid frowning at problems throughout the day ( or from wrinkling your nose at people you’d rather not deal with)! However, wrinkles or no wrinkles, Dr. Dacudao finishes off with a much needed albeit encouraging reminder: 

“As we mature, so does our skin. It’s just a matter of acceptance-- [together with] a healthy lifestyle and renewed spirit that we can be happy even with wrinkles.” 

Going for peace in the family

The attitude of acceptance sure is turning out to be intertwined with a people’s ability to be at peace, regardless of how things around them are going. There’s being cool with wrinkles and resting in the knowledge that skin imperfections can go hand in hand with being happy. There’s acceptance of the reality that life isn’t meant to be problem-free and that going about one’s days with due respect for God and neighbor leads to a considerable amount of happiness already (not to mention, keeps more problems and quarrels at bay). Keeping arms wide open, so to speak, instead of folded adamantly in front when it comes to relationships in the family also has a lot to do with keeping the peace at home. When some things are difficult for parents to remain composed about, being okay with them at least in the beginning can do wonders in the parent-child relationship. 

One thing that can rob parents of their peace is realizing that their child is turning out different from the way they want or expect him to. Rules may have been established; a healthy dose of love and affection demonstrated. Yet some parents can end up unhappy — and understandably so — when the child they’ve been raising grows up into someone whose habits, choices or even values they don’t recognize or agree with. They can go around downtrodden, or the relationships in the family can even be strained as a result. What’s a parent to do? 

“There are many ways that a child can turn out to be different. For my husband and me, as long as his choices are not immoral, that’s okay. If it’s a matter of taste, my husband and I can adjust and try to see things his way,” says businesswoman, mom of five, and Educhild Foundation Philippines Board Member Joy Barreiro.

“Parents who are so stuck in their ways will inevitably lose their peace and the peace in the family very easily if they refuse to bend. That’s not good parenting. Different can be good; it can be healthy. Welcome it. And when your child wants different things, accept it, hold his hand, and go experience that change together.

Over the years Joy has gained perspectives that have enabled her and her husband to carry out parenting that is not authoritarian but authoritative. Among these are the need to really listen to the children and for spouse to be united.

“If you see that your son, for example, is growing up not in a way that you expect him to be, it is very important for husband and wife to be united and talk to their child very frankly but with a lot of understanding. If the child has made certain decisions, there are reasons. Listen to these reasons very carefully without interrupting. Make sure that your child feels he is heard,” she points out

“Unless it’s a matter that has to be resolved immediately, I would hold off my rebuttal for another day just so my child really senses that I took everything he said to heart and that I’ve pondered about what he had to say. I could talk to him another time and more frequently to go back to certain points he has brought up and maybe ask him questions which could make him rethink his decisions. Or maybe I myself can ponder over things, too, because that child of mine may have a good point. How our child arrives at certain decisions can be a result of our parenting – or lack of it.”

The right thing
Of course it takes a certain level of maturity to adopt a healthy attitude of acceptance or whatever are encountered in life while still maintaining a sense of responsibility in doing what needs to be done. Perhaps the key is in the kind of happiness one is pursuing.

Fr. Eugene delves on a set of teachings “about true happiness and imparted centuries ago.” Later referred to as “beatitudes” (from the Latin word “beati” which means “happy ones”), the priest remarks that these are shared by Jesus to enable his followers to attain happiness for all ages.

“They are not invitations to live in misery in this world and hope for God’s reward in the future,” he points out. “They are proclamations that happiness in this life belongs to those who put their trust solely in God. Jesus invites us to live a deeper relationship with God, to accept poverty before God, to be hopeful in a desire to see God really in control of everything, to be gentle, to work for justice and peace, to be merciful, to have a pure heart in our dealings and relationships, to accept different hardships that come with being a witness to Jesus.

“Only in God will [man] find fulfillment and happiness because he will find soon enough that he exists and is created for the sole purposes of loving and uniting himself to God, who is the only one who can fill his emptiness,” the priest adds.

Does this mean, then, that the only way to find happiness that lasts is to shun everything in the world and live like monks – whether or not this way of life is one’s calling? Not at all; in fact, it may be simpler than that, like making one’s dictum those lines from a movie that sum up why doing the right thing brings with it a certain serenity that puts the heart and mind at peace.

“Hindi lahat ng nagpapasaya sa atin, tama. Pero lahat ng tama, masakit man sa simula, pasasayahin din tayo sa bandang huli.”

Baby magazine
March 2011